The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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