when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
