Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
