hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
