I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
