So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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