My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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