I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
