I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
