I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
