Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
