Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
