He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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