Three words: puerto rican gang bang
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it was like eating out sand paper
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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