It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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