i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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