My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
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yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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