I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
