In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
