I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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