Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
