So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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