im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
