and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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