I want you more than these girls want KFC
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize