I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
