Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
