The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
