i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
