the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I love having hate sex.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
