is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
