Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
