Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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