How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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