I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
