dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
