I think im going to throw up on grandma
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
