I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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