proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
