I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
