please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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