youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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