yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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