9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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