No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
