I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
