yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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