I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
