Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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