If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
me + whiskey = a bad person
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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