Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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