My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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