Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
