I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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