My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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