I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
this just has baby written all over it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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